Find Time To Dream

By Rob Wrubel, CFP^®

“The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on its success but on its significance—and then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning.” - Oprah Winfrey

Planning for a life with a special needs family member usually means taking a moment to understand that the life you will live will be different from the life you expected. We are not usually prepared to live with a special needs person. That person comes into our lives due to a birth, the onset of a condition, an accident or through the gradual awareness of developmental delays as a child advances through school.

The first few months and years of living with a special needs person involves a rush of new activities. These activities may cause stress, confusion and anguish as we try to make the world the best place possible today for our special needs family member.

At some point, the caregiver, parent or guardian has to ask, “What does the big picture look like?” “How do the pieces of my new life add up in a way that is fulfilling, rewarding and exciting for me and my family?”

Most of the time, these questions stay with us in the background, coming up every so often but never to the point where they are addressed.

All people need to address the big picture questions and make choices about the life they wish to live. Special needs families especially need to find a way to dream and to make conscious choices about the life in front of them.

The stakes are higher.

A child with significant disabilities will need housing, support staff, a circle of caring people and income to pay for a higher quality of life.

A spouse with a progressive condition might need a house to be reconfigured, therapeutic support and access to medical care.

A parent with a degenerative condition might need long-distance assistance, a review of providers and help in navigating through care facilities.

People who take care of special needs people often do not want to take time to dream. The future looks too bleak. The daily activities are too stressful. The time crunch is too much.

As you are reading this, take an extra minute to decide if you are ready to plan for the future. The future might mean the next 10 days, the next three months, the next five years or the next 40 years.

If you are not ready, think about what it will take for you to get ready. Do you need to find a trusted advisor to help think through the issues and map them out? Do you need to find a spiritual leader or therapist who can help clarify your thoughts and feelings? Do you need help understanding the emotional blocks, family lesson or your own history to help you look forward to the coming days, weeks and years?

You may not be taking time out for yourself in any capacity for other reasons. Some feel a high degree of guilt when they do anything for themselves. Others feel the need to always be moving, helping and running - thinking more action leads to better quality of life.

Some people find themselves ready to move forward but do not know what to do.

First, block out some time for yourself. Start with an hour. Most likely, you will need to arrange for more time than this over the next few weeks. Ideally, you will take 15 minutes each day or one hour each week.

That first hour, list out all the hopes, dreams and aspirations you have. Do not edit yourself, just write it out. Include what you want to have for your special needs person. Your list might have 10, 50, 100 items or more.

Let all your thoughts come and write them down. You do not want lingering doubts that you left something out.  This exercise alone should provide an immediate sense of relief. Unfortunately, it won’t last unless you take some positive actions towards achieving your goals.

Your next task is to prioritize your list. You can group items into most important to least important or number them with one being the highest priority. If you have items that need to be addressed immediately, they will move up to the top spots.

Now the list should contain items that are important and will make a difference in your life. This is your roadmap for the next few weeks.

Now you need to commit to finding more time. What do you need to do to carve out time for yourself? Find a babysitter? Wake up earlier? Negotiate with your spouse?

Develop an action plan for each of the prioritized goals on the list. Take a separate sheet of paper or set up a folder for each of your main goals. You will gather the necessary information in one place as you research how to accomplish each goal.

Some of these goals may be long term —like finding an independent living arrangement for your special needs family member in 20 years. You will want to have your financial expectations, research on facilities and notes from talking with other families in the folder for that goal.

Financially, it is vitally important to have these goals front and center when you are making decisions in your life. You might need to save for money to go into a trust to pay for independent living. When you know your goals, it becomes easier to save. You have a reason to put $100 a month into an account instead of another pair of shoes or more lawn equipment that you don’t really need anyway.

Create the opportunity to picture in detail what you want from life. You will be able transform your current environment and create the future you desire for your family.

November 16, 2009